In the Year Two Thousand

I scarcely know where to begin, though my head pounds like someone opened it up and poured in the chemical equivalent of Ozzy Osborne. I'm normally not a drinker but last night my computer and I celebrated New Year's Eve 1999. After 4 ginger ales chased by at least as many shot glasses of orange Tang mixed at double strength, I got a little woozy. Then, as soon as I reached the pinnacle of my toxication, I starting downing Pudding shots. They are almost like Jello shots only Strawberry pudding in the shapes of popular Beanie Babies, but the milk is replaced with Pepto-Bismal. I know how to party. And when I get sick from it, I already have the medicine in me. After all it is the year 2000.

I expected the new millennium to be a bigger deal. Maybe I jumped the gun a bit, but I wanted to see how well my computer would do as it crossed over the threshold of hype. So, I went into Windows 98 control panel, clicked on "Date/Time" and changed it to December 31, 1999, 11:57 p.m.(Next up, I am going to click it to the "Renaissance). I watched the minutes tick their way towards 2000. They seemed like minutes. Would my computer explode? Would a virus reveal itself and fry my CPU? Would Bill Gates come into my house, slap my dog, eat a peanut butter sandwich and whisper "Rosebud, Fire Walks with Me?" I just didn't know.

Nothing happened. The rest of you can wait another 7 months and 4 days, but I just had to know what the year 2000 would be like. For me and my computer anyway. And in this day and age, that is about all that matters. But then again, I have always been impatient. I am the kind of person that buys the newest Tom Wolfe novel and skips straight to the back to find out that Buckhead burns in the ending. Oops, sorry; hope you read it already. I am the kind of person who stands in front of the microwave and yells, "Come on!!" Thus, I couldn't just sit around for the rest of they year waiting for nature to take its course.

As a person who is now on the other side of the new millennium, I must say things are not that different in my future. Kathy Lee Gifford is still irritating in this century. Richard Simmons stills gives the average human the "Heebie Jeebies," You still can't tell the difference between William and Alec Baldwin. There still is not an explanation how any high school dropout can go to any fast foot restaurant and make assistant manager inside of a week.

Living in this new computer-generated millennium has given me a fresh perspective on life. I will no longer take the uncertainties of living for granted. Next time at Partners Pizza, I will tip my server a full 2.5%. Next time I call my mom I will tell her I love her before I make her cash her Social Security check to pay for my Tony Robbins Motivational Videos. Out of respect for my fellow man, next time I have Strep Throat, I won't put my half eaten cookie remains back on the sample tray.

I have worked a few days on my computer now in the 21st century and there don't seem to be any problems as they have been described by CNN: No power failures, no water flow interruption, no signs of a nude Ted Turner barricading Turner Field, screaming, "Has anyone seen my pants?" But then again, this is just a dry run. And for the real thing, we can only hope.

Billy Murphy - 5/21/99