SUPER BOWL BOUND

All star running back for the 1970's Super Bowl champ Dallas Cowboys once said, "If the Super Bowl is the ultimate, end-all game, why do we play it again next year?" This year, it very well could be the "end-all" game as far as Atlanta is concerned. Football championships in Georgia are about as sparse as Rhodes Scholar Rap Singers...Yet this year we get to applaud at least the fact that we have made it to Super Bowl; the ultimate game.

With everyone in Atlanta jumping on the bandwagon, and me being an old footballer myself, I thought I would give some tips for those lesser understanding on the fundamentals of the game.

I will start with you women out there that don't know about football. Here is some help. When you hear the word "gridiron," it is not some specialty device for pressing your man's pants. And, "pigskin" is not a term you should use to describe his ex-wife's complexion. Those refer to the field and the ball. Also, the placekicker is nothing like a placemat and a face mask is not what you apply and then peel off for better pores. And remember, football players don't wear shoulder pads to make their wastes "seem" thinner.

To help you women understand the concept of football it is like this: Imagine you are shopping in housewares at a Macy's One Day Sale. You see a vase that you want, but to score, you have to get it to a cash register. Only, now there is another woman there wanting the same vase. She is going to try and get it to her cash register. Thus, your goal is to get the vase, zig, zag and stiff arm your way past your opponent to "win." Well, football is alot like that, only not quite as violent.

For the rest of you out there that don't know much about football, here are some more key concepts. It's a game of inches, divided by quarters which hold minutes that tick by like hours. The Quarterback calls the plays while the linebacker plays the call. "Safeties" are the smallest guys on the field which really makes them the "unsafest" of all. Supposedly the most honest people in the game are the "Officials" but they wear striped uniforms like criminals do.

Players are allowed to cross the goal line but aren't supposed to touch the sidelines. You can get 6 points for running only a foot or so into the end zone, but you only get 3 points for kicking the ball 50 yards between the goal posts. If fullbacks get 6 points for scoring, why don't halfbacks get 3? And why, when quarterbacks score, do they get to go to Disneyworld?

And if you are really confused, don't even try to understand why there are 15 yards for holding, 11 players playing, 10 yards for a firstdown, 5 yards for an offside and a partridge in a pear tree.

Why do the guys on the offensive line try to protect the quarterback? Seems like they are on the defensive. The defensive line are the ones chasing the quarterback, wouldn't that mean they are on the offensive? And why is there a guard and a tackle on the offensive and defensive lines? The offensive tackle can't tackle anyone and the defensive guard doesn't guard anyone. All the linemen on offense should be called guards, for guarding the quarterback. All the lineman on defense should be called tackles, for tackling the quarterback.

Hope this helps you understand the game just a little bit more. If this was not a help, just make like a quarterback and take a hike!

Billy Murphy -- 1/26/99