Spamming the Globe

Though we have suffered a 2 month drought this summer, there is plenty of newsworthy chuckles raining down on us. Thank goodness there's always a monsoon of morons to be made fun of.

Time magazine just featured and gave its cover story to the "new, improved" version of the evolution of man. I am sure glad all other sciences don't profess something as fact for 50 years and then come back and say, "whoops we were all wrong, but now you really can trust us." I guess we should be more patient with the science that builds complete validity from a broken tooth or a piece of broken eye socket. Jeesh!! I had an uncle Merle die, and two days later in the casket you couldn't even tell it was him, yet these scientists can build a whole civilization from conjecture and fragmented fossils.

In the article in Time there is a picture of someone holding a rock; nothing but a rock with a smooth edge mind you, and the caption says, "A two-bladed stone flake dating back 2.5 million years providing a clue to when deliberate tool making began." Again my blood pressure rises. This rock could have been split like this a million ways from Sunday, yet they want to use it to prove to us a Science that has never been directly observed and will never be observed. These scientists' logic is out having tea with all the intermediary species--nowhere to be found.

Carnie Wilson had her stomach reduction surgery broadcast live over the Internet. If you missed it you can find the video running continuously at Iamgonnabesick.com. Thank goodness Al Gore invented the Internet for this spectacular event. At least some marketers had the presence of mind to get her group "Wilson Phillips" back together for the online show. They sang acoustic tunes in the recovery room like, "She Ain't Heavy (anymore) She's My Sister," and the Ricky Martin flavored "Leavin La Vida Waffle House." They ended the webcast by interviewing the reduction surgeon who could only shake his head and mumble, "We now know what happened to the kid who used to play "Webster."

And for more in the "Celebrities are Nuts" category, Leonardo DiCaprio is trying to trademark his name. I guess this is to prevent someone like me from totally fooling teenage girls all around the country. I can see what the girls would be saying, "He's fat, old and has hair growing from really weird places, but his driver's license says he is Leonardo DiCaprio... let's get him girls!!!" I don't know if Sir Leo is just paranoid or egotistical or maybe he's aware of some Robert Downey Jr. plot we don't know about. Or, he could be taking advice from "The Artist" formerly known as "the artist formerly known as Prince."

And the rest. Have you heard we have a shortage of pennies? Now, this is an event to write home about, and I would but I was three cents short of being able to buy a stamp. Lines seem to be subsiding for the shock movie "Blair Witch Project." I just didn't' get it. I guess I camped too much as a kid and didn't find a pile of rocks outside of someone's tent to be so horrific. But I did like the twist at the end when the actor playing Darren Stevens was replaced by another actor and then Samantha bludgeoned him to death with a rolling pin. So much for my evolution.

Billy Murphy -- 8/20/99
Billy@Gretsch.com .