SPAMMING THE GLOBE

Now that Clayton the hairless mole has dug himself out of the pollen and didn't see his shadow, we can all breath a little easier that the Spring drought is over. So to celebrate, here are some goofy items that even Benadryl won't help.

Dr. Jack Kervorkian was sentenced to jail this past week for his televised assisted suicide. Rumor has it there will be a mistrial based on judicial prejudice. It seems Kervorkian's original TV broadcast had interrupted the Judge's favorite episode of "Friends." No matter, the Killer Quack is now off the streets leaving more evening news space for our regular brand of murderers. Not to let the attention overshadow him, Vice President of the "Getting Away with Murder Club," O.J. Simpson made the news too, saying he was attacked by a mugger while playing golf. The Rev. Jesse Jackson quickly rushed to O.J.'s side whereas he could blame the white man, announce his presidency and get in a quick 36 holes.

The Soap Opera "Another World" was canceled after over 20 years on the air this past week. Ironically, the show was canceled over 3 years ago, but going by Soap Opera time, It took this long to complete the process. The final show will be a cliffhanger on a Friday, recreating the recent breast reduction surgery of Pamela Anderson Lee. Rumor has it, soap opera doctors will take us behind the curtain to show the delivery of Pamela's former breasts, played by the Olsen twins.

Dan Quayle announced he will be running for President much to the delight of the Democratic Party. Running as his Vice President will be the now-grown kid that corrected Dan's spelling of potato a few years back. Reached for comment, Ross Perot made the statement, "Can anyone please get me some more Cheetos and Vodka." Then Ross was interrupted by a call from mimicker Dana Carvey pleading him to run again, so Dana could find work. Dan Quayle, when asked what platform he would run on, said, "None, I run on a treadmill."

With about a month left, the marketing machine is cranking up for "Star Wars: Episode I-The Phantom Menace." The prequel to the other Star Wars movies, this adventure supposedly takes us so far back in time, people actually remember who Mark Hamil is. If this movie becomes successful expect other such "pre" films to follow: "The Godfather-to-Be," "Raiders of the Lost Crib," and "The Zygote of Oz."

Lastly, baseball player Darryl Strawberry was arrested for some crimes that would make a President blush. Hmm, a sports hero arrested? Drugs? Prostitution? I am so shocked I dropped my bookie's phone number. But I am sure he will pay for his trespasses by doing community service, counseling teenagers or something important like that. Darryl who has just recently recovered from colon cancer said he wanted to be "an example for other cancer victims all over the world!" I think it worked; my recovering uncle Mel right away dumped his wife and kids and started a crack house. An unnamed Braves' player was quoted to say he had "empathy" for Strawberry. He said he used senselessly throw away his money on the same things until he discovered Hooters.

Billy Murphy -- 4/16/99