PHOBIAS
"We have nothing to fear, but fear itself." Teddy Roosevelt was said to have uttered
these famous words at the first grand opening of a Denny's Restaurant. And thus began
our great interest in the root of fear. With this in mind I offer some phobias that
you might not find in psychology class.
Stephanopoulobia - Fear that an elf-like former employee will write a tell-all expose'
on your life.
Lexicaffliction - Fear of looking up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary
because if you knew how it was spelled, you wouldn't have to look it up.
San Andreas Thong - Fear among Californians that if a bevy of Baywatch Babes were
to run in perfect rhythm, they would set off an earthquake of enormous magnitude.
Melrose-iety - Upon cancellation, fear that to find as much greed, sex and backstabbing,
you will have to start asking your co-workers about their lives.
Spring Fever II - Preseason vertigo among baseball players caused by a steady regime
of 2 hour practices, all day drinking and picking up "Hooters'" waitresses.
Taco Bell Syndrome - Fear when buying a burrito that a crazed Chihuahua will get stuck
inside your pants leg.
A-bore-aphobia - Fear of being stuck in an elevator with a fan of "The X Files."
Ultra-bore-aphobia - Fear of being stuck in an elevator observing a conversation between
2 fans of "The X Files."
Spring Fever III - Fear among baseball players they forgot to notify their probation
officers that they had left their home state.
Venturaphobia - Fear among politicians that citizens will begin to elect actual citizens
to public offices.
Oscar Terror - Fear that Academy Awards will become longer in length than "Titanic,"
not Titanic the movie, but the original construction of the ship.
Marilyn Mansonaphobia - Fear among women that the lurid rock singer will continue
to display a cup size larger than their own.
Vinyl Harassment - Fear of being attacked by your an over-clingy shower curtain.
Cineplexia - Fear of touching a movie theater floor
Chubby Chic - Fear that given enough exposure, every fashion trend will eventually
follow that of Monica Lewinsky, (Beret, stiff, flat hair style, lip gloss, blue dress
et. al.)
Billy Murphy - 3/26/99