GROCERY STORE SURVIVAL GUIDE
There is one thing we all have in common. No, I am not talking about our urge to squash
that Taco Bell dog with a big boot. It's that we all spend a large portion of our
lives in grocery stores. If you have ever stressed at the decision of "paper or plastic," or if you have ever rode shotgun over a hobbled, wobble-wheeled grocery cart,
this article is for you.
I grew up in a time when the trip to the grocery store was paramount. It was a drive
into "town." It was a designated day out of every week. It was the "Piggly Wiggly!"
It wasn't the anytime, anywhere, taken for granted experience we have today. It was
the last respectable place where a grown man, while at work, could get away with wearing
a paper hat. If grocery stores of the past were Quaker Oatmeal then grocery stores
of today are Hostess Twinkies.
So, let's say you are making a trip these days to Publix or Kroger. Let's start in
the parking lot. There are two types of people driving the parking lot: 1. People
who park in any open place. 2. People who will circle the lot for hours just trying
to get that one prime spot. You have probably experienced the feeling of being followed after
leaving the grocery store only to turn and realize some lady is cruising behind you
at 3 miles per hour wanting your space. Remember her face, she'll be the one trying
to get a cart full of groceries through the "15 items or less" line.
So my survival tip? Seek revenge. Do what I do. On a good, busy Saturday I park way
out on the lot. But, then I take out my keys over to a car that is parked in one
of the best spaces. When I see another car sizing me up, I just act like I am getting
into the car. They sit and wait. I keep jiggling the keys and then drop them, then act
like I can't get one to fit. Well about now, cars are stacked 20 deep behind this
person who is blocking the lot. Horns are blowing, people are yelling. Finally, I
head back into the store dumbfounded and say, "Oops, I left my child in the toy department."
To survive inside the grocery store you can only go by one rule: Nothing makes any
sense to where it is laid out. They need little kids like in Hollywood, who sell
the maps to the homes of the stars. Better yet, follow my tip. Just ask the lady
with the coupon wallet. She knows where everything is. It will be worth your time too, she will
offer to share her coupons with you. Never, ever ask anyone that works there for
help. They will always confidently say something like, "Middle of aisle 17." Yet,
have you noticed they will always send you as far away from them as possible. That way when
you get there and realize what you are looking for is not even in aisle 17, they
have already made their hasty escape.
Lastly, there is no good tip to make time go by while waiting in the checkout line.
But in lieu of a trip to the Dali Llama in Tibet, you can experience the equivalent
to eternity. I was in line with one person in front of me. It was the clerk's first
day on the job. The lady was writing a check... ...out of state. One item wouldn't scan.
The girl scanned it over and over and over. Then she rubbed it. Then she scanned
it over and over and over. Then she gave up and typed in the numbers... ...6 times.
The lady said the price was wrong. The clerk got a kid to go and check the price. The
lady said he could find it in the "Middle of aisle 17." After forever he came back
and said he couldn't find the item, but he ate some cool cold cuts when he went through
the deli section. Finally the clerk says, "How much was it?" The lady responds. The clerk
rings it up. Take a few minutes off that day and you know just how long eternity
is.
Billy Murphy -- 4/7/99