A FINE KETTLE OF FISH

Not to fish for a compliment but I used to be quite an angler in my day. I grew up fishing off the banks of Lake Moultrie and the Tail Race Canal in Berkeley County, South Carolina some of the finest fishing waterways in the country, the part of the South were people value shag carpeting and taxidermy above all else. But guess what? Fishing is not just for the straw chewers and porch sitters anymore.

Believe it or not, fishing is one of the most popular sports on the planet. More people fish than play golf, basketball, baseball and football combined. Call me the Prophet of the Panfish because I predict fishing is set to become the pastime of the New Millennium. I am not just talking about grabbing your own rod and reel either. I am talking about SportsSouth, ESPN, and "Monday Night Jigging."

Just think about the superstar fisherman of the future. They'll drive pickups, chew Red Man and the hookers they go out with will just be other fisherman. Power corrupts though, and I'm sure after a while, success will even go to the fisherman's head. You will have one guy all tattooed up, one with purple hair, one taking over-the-counter steroids. Preachers will preach how little money our poor school teachers make by comparison. Colleges will be offering scholarships to the finest our high schools have to offer. Alumni will be lavishing players with Rapalas and Bushwackers and trips to Plastic Worm factories.

Product sponsors will jump on the bandwagon too, using Fishermen to pitch their products. Nike will be selling knee-high waders to inner city kids with the adage, "Just Canoe It." Coca-Cola: "It's the Eel Thing" or better yet, "It's the Reel Thing." Tylenol Sinus: Does your head hurt? Do you feel Crappie?" Bass Ale:? (Goes without saying.) American Airlines: "We love to Fly Fish and it Shows."

I grew up watching fishing shows. They mostly came on Sunday afternoons before the NFL started their pregame shows around 10 A.M. Virgil Ward was one of the most famous fisherman at the time and he would make Michael Jordan look like a novice when it came to self-promotion and merchandising. During his fishing show, Virgil would pitch Virgil Ward Beetle Spins, plastic corks, monofilament line and even the all in one fish scaler, beer can opener and moustache comb. It was always a warm time in the Murphy home when we huddled around our TV Set, drinking from our Virgil Ward Yoo Hoo mugs and munching on Virgil Ward "Bit-O-Minnows." Those were the days.

I will end with "Eight Great Ways" the world would be a better place if everyone was into fishing:

1. When at a loss for words you could always say, "You know them grubworms are a great bait."
2. Odds are higher that Jerry Springer will catch a treble hook in the lip.
3. Cleaning fish in the oval office would be one more use of the room surprisingly accepted by Americans.
4. This line would work on a girl; "Honey, there is no de-baiting it, you make me flounder."
5. National Baseball League finally has a team named the Groupers.
6. Smelly and Slimy are good things.
7. Odds are higher that Jerry Springer will catch a gaff in the face.
8. Finally, there will be a movie uncovering the true story of what happened to "Mr." Paul.

Billy Murphy -- 3/8/99