Spamming the Globe the Movie Edition

It's time for me to zoom in and seek out all those stupid things happening in the world around us, only this edition is dedicated to all those summer movies we are tempted to see. I may give away valuable plot lines, so if you might be upset that I would reveal things that a 3rd grader could figure out in the first 7 minutes of the movie, please stop reading here.

I have pretty much seen every movie this summer and there have been alot of disappointing ones. I am one of the the easiest people in the world to please when it comes to movies. Heck, I will pay $4 just so I can buy and eat overpriced goobers in the dark.

Movie One is "Godzilla." I can easily suspend disbelief in a movie of this sort, but a monster that can outrun a helicopter one minute but can't catch a taxicab the next? Curious indeed. I know it is hard to catch a cab in Manhattan.. but this movie took it to extremes. And Ferris Bueller as a scientist? I guess he did do pretty well after high school. If it is any consolation, it didn't make any more sense in "Godzilla" when he sang "Twist and Shout" to the monster. Billy's rating: 2 out of 5 stars. What could have made the movie better: If Godzilla ate that Taco Bell dog. What it will be remembered for: Copying all the T-Rex scenes from "Jurassic Park" and making them boring.

Movie Two is "Deep Impact." This has been my favorite movie of the summer. By no means is it a perfect movie. But Morgan Freeman as President is the best casting in years. This was like 4 separate movies in one, all with good actors and special effects. I never looked at my watch and to be honest, movies have been so lame of late, I bought a Timex Indiglo just for my trips to the theater. Billy's rating: 4 out of 5 stars. What could have made the movie better: If Tea Leone' would have been killed at the beginning... like maybe during the opening credits. What it will be remembered for: All the X-Rated movies that will use variations of it's name.

Movie Three is "Truman." This movie is sorta like a high school fad. Everyone jumps on the bandwagon and says how cool it is. But it's just not that cool. I didn't see that the movie had anything; no drama, no comedy, no romance and certainly no clue. Even Matthew Broderick showing up to kill Tea Leone' couldn't save this blase' slice of pound cake. Billy's rating: 2 out of 5 stars. What could have made the movie better: Not showing all the important plot lines in its previews. What it will be remembered for: Jim Carrey's move to being a serious actor. (I don't understand this. This is like being a professional baseball superstar and begging to be the team accountant.)

Movie Four is "Dr. Doolittle." This is simple. If you like toilet humor, you will love this. If you aren't into cheap, course laughs, go and see "Truman," you might just see it as, "a metaphor for the existential leanings of the trivia-crazed media demigods;" if you can stay awake. I don't know which was harder to swallow though, Eddie Murphy talking to animals or Eddy Murphy playing a doctor who cares more about patients than money. Billy's rating: 3 out of 5 stars. What could have made it better: a plot, a script, a story. What it will be remembered for: To pull you into the story, the theaters inducing flea infestations in the audience.

Oops, ran out of room for "Armageddon," but just see "Deep Impact" minus 2 stars. One interesting note though--late in the movie, in a bit "radar person" part with horn-rimmed glasses and blond hair--Demi Moore. Also have to note that even considering Ellen, Anne Heche was easily the babe of the summer.

Billy Murphy -- 7/8/98