SPAMMING THE GLOBE

Time to look around and see what stupid stuff is dominating our world.

No matter what, you can't talk about the news without alluding to any of the President Clinton scandals. Poor Monica Lewinski. Kathleen Willey comes forward with her revelations and the press drops Monica quicker than Van Halen can drop a lead singer. And who could make up this story? Names like Tripp, Willey (pronounced "willy"), and Starr? Buddy the dog is getting neutered, what irony. This time around though, it should be the dog driving the owner to the vet. We now have rock stars calling the President saying, "Man, how do you do it?"

Also, big in the news, is that Jerry Garcia from "The Grateful Dead" is supposed to be on a stamp. No wonder our kids today are confused. We have laws, programs and total systems installed to curb drug use. We talk about what sad shape our country is in because of drug use. Yet, next to painting a big green marijuana leaf on a stamp, Jerry Garcia's picture represents D-R-U-G-S more than anything else. I am not being prudish or even idealistic, but it just shows what morons we have making decisions in this country. What is next, Jack Kervorkian named Surgeon General? O.J. appointed to the Supreme Court? This is nuts. What happened to good people being given some sort of honor? Besides, I know music and Jerry Garcia, couldn't write or sing. All he could do was lead a bunch of counter-culture neo-Gypsies around by their roach clips. And yes, I'm talking to you Mom!

Whew, let me get off my soapbox and talk about something near and dear to my heart: "Titanic." Every night now, I go to my room, turn on the soundtrack with Celine Deon and just cry my eyes out. To feel a sense of connection, when I take a bath I only run cold water and fill the tub with ice cubes. That bulge you see under my shirt is a replica of the Blue Diamond "Heart of the Sea" I made out of a shoe string and some old blue cheese I found in the refrigerator. I have replaced my Richard Simmons poster with one of Leonardo DiCaprio. Sorry, out with my Farrah Fawcett Majors posters, in with Gloria Stuart. I just toss and turn in my bed thinking: When the Titanic went down in international waters, in what country did they bury the survivors!!

In the world of romance, Paula Abdul is getting yet another divorce. Poor thing, how will SHE ever find another man? Jodie Foster is having a baby without being married and she won't name the father. I am admitting to nothing. But I might want some of her residuals from when they put HER on a stamp. For you soap opera buffs, Luke and Laura are admitting to their son that dad assaulted mom a long time ago. Their son should be ok though. Typically for soap operas, he is an advanced teenager being born just 3 years ago. At his rate of growth he will hardly be around when the asteroid destroys the earth. And to finish, a psychologist, Mary McClintock, reported on experiments that prove that smell has even more to do with male-female attraction than ever thought before. It still left one lingering question for most women: How do I make myself smell like ESPN?

Billy Murphy -- 3/19/98