SPAMMING THE GLOBE

It's time again for me to take a look around at the stupid and the sublime that garners our attention.

Everybody's minds are on President Clinton's latest sexual scandal. This may be the first situation ever, that might supersede the "he without sin, cast the first stone" rule. Clinton continues to argue he is innocent, continues to argue he only has eyes for Hillary, continues to argue he is being framed. Yet, this term of his Presidency has been mindful of Nixon's last. Even the line , "I am not an adulterer" sounds awful dejavu-ish. The only thing lacking is the vice president being in trouble too. Oops, maybe history IS repeating itself. Tonight I am on the internet looking for pictures Richard dancing with Pat. Bill is toast, Oliver Stone just called.

Poor Oprah Winfrey. She makes one smart aleck remark and the bottom drops out of the beef industry. She had a show on Mad Cow Disease (What do I know, I thought the cows were just mad about farmers with cold hands) and after hearing some expert spout his propaganda , she said she would not touch another hamburger. This is udderly ridiculous. If this logic worked, Dunkin Doughnuts could have sued her years ago when she went on a diet. Just by losing her as a customer, their stock fell 15%. The sad part of all this is, in a desperate move to get noticed, Ricki Lake said she has sworn off pickled pigs' feet and Jenny Jones, has renounced "chittlins."

Richard Seed has made headlines. He is a physicist who says he is going to start a cloning clinic in Chicago. I would have thought he would have chosen Minneapolis and St. Paul, the Twin cities. He made such a ripple, the liberal White House got involved right away. Hillary put it under the umbrella of Health Care. Bill showed up hoping to meet the Doublemint twins. Though experts say he, in no way has the ability to clone, he still got everyone's attention. This is sorta like Pamela Lee getting attention for her acting skills. Never the less, his plans were quickly squashed when congress sighted "crimes against humanity" should he try to make 4 out of the Olsen twins.

The Spice Girls have a new movie. There's nothing I can add.

As of this writing, the Super Bowl hasn't been played, but I can predict that the commercials will be the highlight of the game as always. I am especially looking for the one where Roseanne eats a Big Mac and then they show the clip of the Titanic breaking in half and crashing into the ocean. I also hear Michael Jackson is going to do a Pampers commercial with his baby. He is supposed to sing something like, "A B C... Absorbent when he goes pee... " Then there is supposed to be a musical tie-in with Bob Dylan featuring Depends. Rumor has it, this ad has been pulled because Dylan's incessant mumbling could not be understood and test audiences thought he had said, "In view of George Jefferson, alchemists shave Fonzie's legs." Well if you missed those commercials you must have been like me, in the kitchen trying to figure out how to make some munchies out of the only snack items left at Kroger; peanut butter, hotdog relish and Matzo balls. Til next time.

Billy Murphy -- 1/23/98