THE RULE BOOK FOR PUBLIC FIGURES

With our President in the lead among other notable celebrities being put under the magnifying glass, It is time for some guidelines on how to live in the public eye. So Bill, Christian, Robert, Newt and the scores of other famous people being scrutinized by the media, listen up.

DRESS CODE RULES.
1. It is proper to wear a suit and tie at your arraignment. If you are a pro football player remember to remove your gloves. If you are a rap star, remember to leave your weapon at home.
2. Models should always wear enough clothing to cover the ridges showing from the vertebrae in their backs.
3. Aging, overweight actors and politicians should stay indoors, off the beach and out of wet suits.

RELATIONSHIP RULES.
1. Celebrities who have been married 2 or more times, should quit coming on talk shows and giving the rest of us advice on love.
2. Actors should quit coming to awards shows dressed similarly. You don't look any more original than a white trash couple at Six Flags wearing matching "I'm with Stupid" t-shirts.
3. Older male stars (e.g. Kevin Costner, Ted Danson, etc.. ) can only dump their equally-aged wives for younger women after spending time in counseling with Mia Farrow.

EXTRAMARITAL RULES
1. When having an affair, you must quit leaving messages on phone machines and expect your phone calls to to be bugged.
2. When having an affair you must admit to it when everyone in the world including the Pope and Castro are agreeing that you did it.
3. When having an affair you must not do it in a place where the person doesn't have to "sign in."

"DUH" RULES
1. When under court-ordered blood tests as part of your probation, it's a good idea to stop taking drugs
2. If you wake up married to Roseanne, expect that your life is screwed up.
3. Hey, Alex Trebek, we know you have the answers right in front of you, quit with the superior tone.

EXIT RULES
1. When you die just don't be drinking Coca Cola, they will find a way to make a commercial out of it.
2. When you croak, go with a smile because even if you go the most noble of ways, there are gonna be alot of sick jokes being made about you.
3. Remember to wear clean underwear.

Billy Murphy -- 1/26/98