I PREDICT 1998

In the absence of Jeane Dixon I will take the torch and continue on with the prophesy game. So, here are my predictions for the coming new year.

January 12. After returning to Stanford University from Christmas break, First Daughter Chelsea discovers she flunks "Contemporary American History" because of one of her answers on a quiz. She had written, "This is a trick question, my father told me there was no such thing as the Vietnam War."
January 25. Jerry Seinfeld changes his mind and decides to return to his sitcom. He returns, he says, "Not because they are paying me 5 million dollars an episode, but because we got a whole brand new season of ideas when I found an old phone book."

February 13. Locally, the Fayette County Board of Education secretly convenes in the Bahamas, changes their name to "Bored of Education" and votes to disband the school system in favor of some really cool "Starbucks." On their return they complain it wasn't clear in the by-laws whether this was objectionable or not.

March 10. "Lord of the Dance" star Michael Flatley announces he wants to have a baby with Michael Jackson's wife too.

March 28. Peachtree City's Intermedia Cable resists the opportunity to add VH1, Comedy Central and E! in favor of 3 new religious channels that promise even more Blue Hair and Blue Eyeliner!!

April 12. Robert Downey Jr. is released from prison, yet is quickly re-arrested when he slaps the jail clerk over his returned possessions not including his crack cocaine.

May 9. Bill Gates releases Windows 98 but because of monopoly laws he has to replace the bundled browser "Internet Explorer" with the video game "Pong."

May 20. Janet Reno indicts Al Gore, not for campaign infractions but for that "stupid, silly grin that makes him look like Alfred E. Neuman."

June 16. Peachtree City Mayor Bob Lenox forms a task force to determine the reason why every single house in Peachtree City has either a Ford Explorer or a Jeep Cherokee in the garage.

July 13. Basketball Player Latrell Sprewell who was banned from the sport for hitting his coach, was fired from his job at McDonald's for slapping Ronald the Clown. His roomates Mike Tyson and Marv Albert could not be reached for comment.

August 3. The newest catch phrase to take the music industry by storm is, "The Spice Who's?"

August 24. Embryologist Ian Wilmut, who cloned the first sheep, takes his talents to diverse pursuits when he tries to clone the NBC drama "ER," but realizes it has already been done: "Chicago Hope."


September 18. The Atlanta Braves make the playoffs but Bobby Cox gives an idea of things to come when he names the movie "The Titanic" the official team mascot

October 7. Jerry Springer in an attempt to boost slumping ratings, invites other talk show hosts on and goads Oprah into slapping Rosie O'Donnell.

October 21. The internet crashes and burns when nude pics of Urkel are posted.

November 19. On their one year birthday, the septuplets are banned from further attending an Iowa daycare center when the candles from their birthday cakes cause a fire.

December 6. Paula Jones drops her case against Presdent Clinton when it is discovered that she formely had filed a civil suit against Burt Reynolds for enticing her to a Florida hotel room and dropping his toupee'.

December 29. I officially start work on predictions for 1999. All prophesies include references to that song by the aritst "formerly known as Prince" and now calling himself , "formely known as someone with a shred of talent."

Billy Murphy 12/29/97