I PREDICT 1999

Time for me to predict the coming year.

January 13 - A new CNN Poll reveals that 15% of high school seniors can't remember the capital city of their home state, but 93% have the combination memorized to their parents' liquor cabinet.

February 6 - The Fayette County School Board achieves national recognition by being inducted into Bill Clinton's "Break the Law, Abuse your Power, Dare Anyone to Do Anyone to Do Anything About It" Society. O.J. Simpson is Keynote Speaker.

February 19 - Professional Wrestling makes a leap into legitamcy and quiets skeptics when during a "Texas Death Match," Moonstar Munson, a 145 pound computer programmer and part-time wrestler sends 6 of his opponents to the hospital with a spray of machine gun fire.

March 2 - While in Spring Training, baseball player Sammy Sosa wins the Florida lottery, sad to realize that he will only receive 1/3 the share, as two other winning tickets are held by St. Louis Cardinal Mark McGuire.

March 24 - "Girl Power" completely takes over popular music as the top chart spots are held by Celine Deion, Mariah Carey, Shania Twain, Jewel, Lauren Hill, Whitney Houston and Hanson.

April 9 - Ally McBeal actress Calista Flockhart has to be airlifted to Cedar Sinai hospital in Los Angeles from injuries sustained in a skirmish with Kate Moss over a chicken bone.

April 11 - Astronaut John Glenn makes headlines for defying his age again by announcing he will join the Summer Ozzfest playing bass for Metallica.

April 23 - Oprah releases her follow up movie to last Fall's flop, "Beloved." This film is more honestly titled, "How Can This Movie Fail When I Ram it Down Your Throat Every Day on My Talk Show."

May 16 - The Fayette County School Board announces it's 1999 slate of meetings open to the public. They are January 11, February 15, March 3, and April 21. The rest of 1999's open meetings will be announced in December.

June 1 - The American Cancer Society releases evidence that Nicotine Patches reduce the risks of lung cancer because of the ability of smokers to quit. But contrary to initial beliefs, it is not from of the nicotine contained in the patch. Smokers seem to have the will power to quit due to the rush of adrenalin they receive upon painfully ripping off the patches each day.

June 21 - Viagra, Monica Lewinski, George Michael, Jesse "The Mayor" Ventura, The Spice Girls; readers, you are smart, make up your own joke predictions for the summer.

September 21 - The Olsen Twins, now fully teen, sue their parents and petition the courts to combine their age and experience to make them legally one person. Their case goes all the way to the Supreme Court where Sandra Day O'Connor writes it as law, called the "Full House" precedent.

October 9 - President Clinton, still staving off impeachment due to the Iraqi war, followed by the Israel conflict, the Irish-Spanish Conflagration, the McDonald's-Burger King Spat and the Guy in His Car Who Needed a Good Talking Too; enacts the "Comet Powers Act," calling on everyone to pull together as we try to blowup a terrible comet hurtling towards earth.

November 11 - Near Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts rare documents believed to come from Europe with the early settlers are found. They contains references to King Charles IV, navigation logs and a rough draft of the sitcom "Welcome Back Kotter."

November 30 - Kenneth Starr and Janet Reno exchange vows in a quiet ceremony in the Rodman-Electra Wing of a Las Vegas Wedding Chapel.

December 13 - Seeking to duplicate 1998's marketing success with the "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" promotion CVS Pharmacy unveils its "Ted Kennedy the Red-Nosed Senator" campaign, offering coupons for Seagrams, Smirnoff and a special Lobbyist Doll with Full Action Kickbacks.

Billy Murphy -- 12/24/98