ALMOST LEGENDS OF THE FALL

The Fall TV season flickers across our screens in full glory now and to me it resembles a void in a vacuum swallowed up by a black hole. I rarely long for things eaten by the past, but it's just not the same without "Seinfeld." The show featuring the prissy guy and the raunchy girl and the 90's versions of Laurel and Hardy ("He's fat, he's skinny; what a combo!!) has set the bar as high as Roger Maris ever did. Only thing is, there are no cathode tube Mark McGuire's on the horizon. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

One of things hampering Television shows today is that they don't seem to feel it is important to be master of one's domain. Nothing original is playing on the set. Everything is just rehashed material used in years past. Producers of TV shows today don't seem to think that there is anything new under the sun. Thus, they resort to copying and sometimes duplicating old devices that weren't that good the first time around. I guess you could call it creative brain shrinkage.

Case in point, "Dharma and Greg" is "Bridget Loves Bernie," only in typical 90's fashion, the religion is removed. Ally McBeal's sexual neuroticism is nothing more than Mary Richards in a tight skirt. "Frasier's" Dr. Crane is a copy of Bob Newhart's out of control Shrink, only now Niles has the Suzanne Pleshette role. These new shows soak up the old plots like a big sponge. But are they even sponge-worthy? Of course you also have, "Fantasy Island" returning as "Fantasy Island," the "Love Boat" returning as the "Love Boat" and "Donny and Marie" returning as "Donnie and Marie." Producing some of these shows would be about as easy as losing your car in a parking garage.

Also out there is the new "hybrid" show, that is, it takes two successful shows and tries to merge into one. "L.A. Law" and "ER" equals "L.A. Doctors." They could have done even better with the title and called it "Melrose Malpractice." Combine Mimi and Drew from "The Drew Carey Show" and you have Nathan Lane in "Encore, Encore." If "My 3 Sons" were to commandeer the Shady Rest of "Petticoat Junction" you would of course have "Friends." "3rd Rock from the Sun" is "Mork & Mindy" married to "Full House." I could go on, Yadda, yadda, yadda, or is that Yabba Dabba Do?

These days, too many shows are suffering from "Moonlighting" Syndrome, that is, they keep stringing you along, on when the guy and girl are gonna get together (also see Remington Steele). This is so boring. If i wanted to wade through hour after hour of boredom just to see 2 annoying people do it, I would just read the "Starr Report." But, maybe even the Clinton debacle has stolen from Jerry, king of comics -- just who was that talking about sex on that covert tape recorder?

Well, maybe I am just turning into an old person, thinking that the old ways are always better; like actually popping popcorn or fixing your own car or putting on your own Manssierre. I should probably just keep my mouth shut, accept today's TV for what it is and go back to writing about what I know best, NOTHING.

Billy Murphy -- 9/25/98