THE EVOLUTION OF TODAY'S MAN

There have been lots of changes in men the last few years. Just exactly who are we? Who should we be? It's no wonder we look as stunned as a Baywatch Babe at a Windows 98 Demonstration. I have culled a recent amalgam of Cosmopolitan, Glamour and Self magazines and dug up the evolution of today's modern man.

Imagine yourself in 8th grade science all over again. The evolution of man is the topic. But instead of a chart, leading from a monkey all the way to an upright homo sapien (not that there is anything wrong with that); now imagine a chart leading you through today's evolution of the modern male.

The first link in this chain of evolution is "maleus invertebraeus," or as he is known in layman's terms, wieney man. This simple-celled (and minded) species is without form or substance. Though he tries to camouflage himself as giving and flexible, he just doesn't have the backbone to make a single decision confidently. Language skills are unrefined and barely go beyond, "what do you want to do tonight?" and "Whatever you want, Honey." This is a harmless genus and can easily be scared away by asking "How do I look in this dress?"

Progressing a little farther along the evolutionary ladder is a specimen of man known as "richardeous simmonsia or "hypersensitive man." He seems to be the distant cousin of the Cro-magnon man: the 'Fro-magnon man. This species shows great signs of cultural acceleration, with a love of cats, plants, gourmet cooking and Barbara Streisand records. He is believed to be asexual and the first male to wear sequined gym shorts. Extinction has been hinted, but this nocturnal breed can be found on various infomercials in the middle of the night.

The next variation of man rose from the mud quite conspicuously. "Utilitius vehiculus" or "4 wheel drive man" was the first to make use of tools; power tools at that. Among his hoard of accumulated wrenches, snowblowers and Penthouse magazines, you can learn much about this testoterone-frenzied animal. Though language skills seem to have degenerated to grunts and growls, the brain on this specimen is larger. This accounts for his enhanced ability to communicate through sign language and hand gestures in traffic.

The most recent discovery of man is the first to walk fully upright and erect. "Impotentius nomoreius" or "viagra man" seems to be a species with the ability for regeneration. Before, a typical specimen would have a balding skull with hair from the back and sides swept around and around to simulate virility. But now this species, with the aid of a red sports car and expensive cologne has replaced simulation with stimulation. May this medical breakthrough's stocks always rise and never fall.

I am sure man will continue to evolve, for better or worse. Thank goodness we have women's magazines and women to lead us through this process. In the meantime we can just rejoice that they have found the missing link: Leonardo Di Caprio.

Billy Murphy - 5/29/98