IT'S ALL IN THE CHEMISTRY

Thank goodness for the science of our generation. Chemistry might just save this bored, morose, unsettled race of ours. As we have become richer, safer, and more comfortable, we seem to have become less happy. But oh thank goodness for this age's elixirs, pills, syrups and tablets, for they might just make us feel better yet.

In school, I was never good in chemistry. I didn't know an ionic bond from a hole in my head. I mostly sat in the back of class only to every once in a while scream out, "My Eyes, My Eyes!!" And trying to remember all those chemical symbols, what a chore. There must have been 30 or 40 of those things. Feelings were mutual in chemistry class too. The teacher pretty much lost patience with me the day he asked a question and I replied, "I can't hear you, I have an isotope lodged in my ear."

Even given my chemistry prowess or lack thereof, I understand enough about the science to know that some amazing things can happen when you mix the right elements. It's like milk and Cocoa Crispies. Keep them apart and they are as boring as Al Gore at an Amish Amway Seminar. But put them together and you have something beautiful. They make chocolate milk!! Yes, chemistry can be a wonderful thing.

One of the new phenomenons of modern chemistry is St. John's Wort, nature's own prozac. This component can take the most depressed, melancholy person and turn them into something similar to the love child of Richard Simmons and Sandy Duncan. For many manic souls this seems to cure what ails 'em. You could call it the depressed man's Viagra.

Today we have drugs for everything. You can take a pill for all sorts of critical problems: baldness, impotence, foot odor, jet lag, snoring, nail fungus and even bad breath. We are on the verge of becoming the Jetsons or maybe a society depicted in some 60's folk song. To the tune of "Blowing in the Wind," sing, "How many rows must a man walk down, before he finds all his pills/And how many pills must this same man take, before he finds true peace? The answer my friend is sitting on the shelf/The answer is sitting on the shelf."

I can think of a few things modern chemical science should develop or discover cures for: Those kids who always turn their eyelids inside out, those people who ride in the front passenger seat and slam the imaginary brakes when you are not driving to their satisfaction, those people who test microphones by tapping them, those people who try to restart their car while it is already running, and of course, those people who get off the pay phone ahead of you and check to see if any change came back.

There are some occupations that could use the assistance of a miracle pill too: The hostesses at restaurants who look at you and your friend and then say, "Two for lunch?" Constructions workers who think yelling and whooping across the street will get them a date. Waiters who take $20 for an $8 tab and ask if you want change back. People ahead of you who can't hit the toll basket and have to get out of their car and retrieve the change.

Now that I think of it, modern chemistry, has a long way to go.

Billy Murphy -- 9/4/98