SPAMMING THE GLOBE

One of my favorite comic bits is; Question: "If you were stuck on a deserted island, what would you do?" Answer: "I would eat all the desserts!!" This week a survey was released that reported on "who" Japanese men picked as "the woman they would most like to get stuck on a deserted island with." Out of over 12,000 men, the majority chose Janet Reno. OK. Take a few seconds here and let that sink in. Either Japanese men deserve our greatest admiration or they deserve our lamest jokes (e.g. Do they deserve our greatest admiration or sympathy?). Either way, being on a deserted island with Janet Reno ranks about as high on my list as witnessing Kate Moss eat a grape and watching the protruding bulge move down her body like you would with a snake eating a rat.

This week a woman gave birth to seven babies. Four boys and 3 girls came crying into this world. There hasn't been this much bawling in a delivery room since my obstetrician discovered I forged my insurance card. Reports say these babies will use over 70 diapers a day. I hope they are a little less impolite in discarding their diapers, or can you imagine the Walmart parking lot where these people live? Having so many babies does have it's rewards though, lots of companies are giving them free stuff. My favorite is, they will now get free cable. I don't think they will get all the premium channels, but they have been promised their own TV Show on the "Fertility Network."

A national restaurant survey has named Krispy Kreme Doughnuts as a "No. 1 Best Buy" for 1998. Competing against other more full service restaurants didn't deter Krispy Kreme from winning this coveted national honor. Experts cited there achievement for, "Their value, their taste, their innovation and the fact that a whole lot of Policemen took the survey." Making for a year of exceptional recognition, Krispy Kreme was also given a special "Citation of Thanks" by the National Organization of Cardiologists.

Alleged Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is on trial this week. He is being charged with terrorism and mayhem while wearing a really bad disguise. Some of the companies who were rejected in giving promotional items to the septuplets showed up in court trying to get publicity any way they could. A representative from "Tabasco" could hardly give away any hot sauce. But Ted's eyes lit up when he saw the scorned marketing director from "Acme Ice Pick and Razor Blade Company." When questioned on his chances in the trial, Ted replied, "It wouldn't be the first time a guy wearing a cheap hat got away with murder." Til next time.

Billy Murphy -- 11/21/97