SPAMMING THE GLOBE

What is going on in the news out there? We have Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche wanting to have a baby. I used to be a big Ellen fan but, when did it become standard operating procedure that we have to know this much about any person's sex life? Concerning the actual pregnancy, I hope Ellen and Anne remember back to junior high sex education. I think this is one area for which no amount of flannel can compensate. On last account, the couple were not returning Marv Albert's phone calls.

The Braves lost yet again in their try for the World Series. This should be a new ride at Six Flags. You have the Great American Scream Machine, The Georgia Cyclone and the Atlanta Let Down. They do continue making the record books, this time around for losing to the youngest team ever to make the Fall Classic. I hear Disney has them slated to be the eventual losers in their next Mighty Ducks movie. Sylvester Stallone phoned too, about Rocky Six.

In the spirit of losing, America has lost the auspicious title of fastest car in the world. The British broke the land speed record for getting a car to go 714 miles per hour, in the left lane no less. I guess this means England finally got THERE first Dominoes Pizza Franchise. On a sad note, the Brit car could have gone faster but he was mysteriously pulled over by a tourist claiming to be a Tyrone Police Officer. (insert you own speed trap police here)

In a real life Country Music story, teenager singer, phenomenon LeAnn Rimes' parents are getting a divorce. They are splitting after over 20 years of marriage, I am sure due to the coincidental fact that LeAnn JUST MADE THEM RICH!! Can't they earn their money honestly like most country folk--winning the lottery? Unlike a house that can rarely be split in a divorce settlement, their trailer will be cut in half and divided with some tin shears. LeAnn was reported to say, "If just my dog would die and my truck break down, I would have a hit on my hands."

On the political scene, there is a big fight going on between the White House and Janet Reno. I am very much against violence of any kind but, isn't this one fight you would like to see? Janet and Bill Clinton "duking" it out bare knuckles in a boxing ring? Al Gore would be the consummate booky, taking bets on the White House phones. Hillary as the round-card girl would circle arrogantly right in front of the more feminine of the two fighters, making Bill wish he was half the man she was. No matter who wins, the real victor is this battle is Rush Limbaugh.

The best way to end here is for all of us to bow our heads and say a little prayer for the problems that continue to plague the Internal Revenue Service. How can we as a civilized nation, stand idly by as this group of American servants, no--American Saints-- is needlessly victimized and persecuted for doing no more than ripping off an entire nation; a middle class nation that has grown fat and lazy from brazenly squandering their 56 percent share of after- taxes salary. God have mercy on us all.
Billy Murphy -- 10/16/97