PUT DOWN'S FOR THE 90'S

Mother Nature's dowdy, prim sister, Auntie Politically Correct has just about worn out her welcome. Though Auntie PC gathered followers as fast as Jerry Springer interviews hookers, she has dipped and dropped in the popularity polls. America's shrinking sense of humor can mostly be attributed to her but let me say this, "Baby, we're coming back!!" Us fun loving, joke telling, "nothing is sacred" shrill seekers are coming out of the closet.

Since it has been so long that we have been expected to be "nice" with each other, I am gonna jump start the humor revolution and the age old art of jokes, insults and put downs; but specifically for the '90's. If you are faint of heart, if you are thin-skinned, if you have ever tried to walk through a sliding-glass door, Stop reading right here.

First, the dumb jokes: How do you keep a fan of Melrose Place in suspense? You draw 2 circles and tell her to stand in the Gap. Then watch her head to the Mall find it. How do you make a one-armed "Nightly News " anchor fall out of a tree? Throw him a can of hair spray. How many Suddaam Husseins does it take to change a light bulb. 6. One to change the bad light, 5 to claim those large wooden crates are just extra bulbs.

Second, the ugly jokes: "Hey, the last time I saw a face like yours, Agent Mulder was dilating it's 3rd eye." "Hey, is that your nose, or are the Olsen twins making a comeback?" "Hey, Lyle Lovett called, he wants his hair back." "Hey, Don King called, HE wants his hair back." "Hey, Hair Club for men called, they want to buy that hair on your back."

Third, the fat jokes: He's so fat Steven Speilberg bought the movie rights to his belt. Your momma is so fat she had her own area code, but then the phone company divided her into two separate zones and now her front is a local call but her rear is long distance (And if she gets much bigger her hips are gonna have to go cellular). I'm not saying that guy was big, but when he went to Washington they called HIM the million man march.

Fourth, miscellaneous others: I am not saying he's a wimp, but a John Tesh tattoo doubled his macho quotient. That guy, he's so old that he remembers when Keith Richards had pigment. You see that guy over there, he is so little, even Keri Strugg hums "Short People" when he is around. Well, I hope these help when it becomes cool for us to kid around with each other again.

Billy Murphy -- 11/27/97