NIGHTMARES I'VE HAD

With Halloween upon us, we are all given to telling about nightmarish events we've had in our lives. I hope I can last through this column without running from my keyboard screaming. Here are two of my most frightening events.

Note: In attempt to please those who would put a ratings code on everything, thus to avoid any parental or adult responsibility, this article is rated TVPG-13-TGIF.

I don't dream that much anymore but the last actual nightmare I can recall is: I am home on a holiday, I think it is Armistice day because our house is all decorated with lemons carved into little figures representing each of the castaways on Gilligan's Island, except for Mr. Howell because he was a buffoon. Anyway.. I am relaxing in my easy chair drinking my customary Pickle Slurpee. Suddenly there is a knock at the door and I lumber over and look out of the peep hole.

The sound of my hi-fi playing "Bolero on the Bagpipes" is shattered by my mayonnaise jar of Green Slurpee crashing to the floor in a million shards of glass. I am shrieking in horror at the sight I see. Standing at my door, in broad daylight, in blue suits are two Jehovah's Witnesses selling Amway!!

This is an actual even from earlier in my life. I was on a date one night deep in the country, where I grew up. Me and Betty Stu had gone to see "Jaws." We stopped at one of our favorite "parking" places on the way home. My car could practically drive to this spot by itself; not because I was so great with the ladies, but because we parked behind "Buddy's Taxidermy and Electrolysis." (I had a back hair problem but felt good knowing some of my follicles were giving an authentic look to someone's stuffed, wild boar). So we are parking and listening to The Osmond Brothers on my new 8-Track Quad tape deck, when all of a sudden a news bulletin breaks through. (It was an important bulletin!!)

The emergency report said that a cereal killer had escaped from the insane asylum. He had killed 5 people with a plastic retracting telescope he had gotten from a box of Cap'n Crunch. The insane asylum was less than a mile from where we were parked and suddenly there was a loud noise banging on the back of the car. All I could think of was to get out of there. I turned the key but the motor just whined and whined, much like my date when we ate at Burger King. The car wouldn't start and I could see a shadow growing larger and larger. Betty Stu was screaming. I was sweating. I could see the figure of a hand reaching for my door. All of a sudden, the engine cranked. I put it in gear, hit the gas and did not slow down until we were home. And you know what? When I got out to walk my date to her house, I saw it. Hanging from my door handle, gleaming in the night, was a.... was a.... bloody, severed hand, still wearing a Cap'n Crunch decoder ring!!
Billy Murphy -- 10/23/97