NEW YORK, NEW YORK - 7/31/97
Someone said something surprisingly polite to me while I was in New York this past
week. It was, "Pardon me, but is my cigar bothering you?" Peculiar thing was, it
was a girl.
Ah, going to a place like New York, you always see something new.
I especially saw some new things on a recent trip to the place no nice, they named
it twice. On the same trip I had the brush with the stogie lady, I had to travel
15 miles from Long Island to Manhattan to see a concert. It's always an arduous event
to get around anywhere in New York, with a typical scenario like the following: I drove
my rental car to a railway station to take the train into the "city." On the trip
in, there were about as many stops as gunshots but it was, at least, reassuring to
see the train attendants armed with hole-punches.
Next step in this journey, I arrived at Penn Station and had to go out to catch a
cab. So many people are waiting for cabs in New York that they set up these little
rope walkways like at a bank. Only the tellers at the bank rarely spit at you when
you expect money back and bank tellers usually have vowels in their names.
So for a measly 15 miles I paid to park my car, paid to ride a train and paid to take
a cab. Not only that, I had to do it all over again but, in reverse.. This gets about
as expensive as a trip to Dairy Queen with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am becoming a real pro traveling in New York. For those unaware, a real pro is anyone
who still has his wallet or who isn't lying on the street in the fetal position.
To make it to "real pro" in New York there are just a few tips to be followed. Never
make eye contact. Never entertain the thought of buying a watch that is on someone else's
arm (especially if the arm is not attached to a body). Never wear your Garth Brooks
t-shirt. Never talk to tall women with facial hair and feather boas. Never buy a
hotdog from a vender named Sal Monella. And, never, ever buy supposed Broadway tickets
for a show called, "Cats part II, The Fur ball Incident."
Besides seeing a few of the more common New York sites--the Statue of Liberty, the
Empire State Building, a wino's infected toe-I was pretty much just a part of the
mass work force trying to make a buck. This is when you learn just how small you
are. Looking for blocks and blocks ahead of you, you see nothing but a wall of people basically
exchanging money between themselves through the auspice of an incorporated employer.
Nothing but a mass of buying and selling and the ultimate negotiation. It just makes
you want to run from the scene screaming or, either skip to the street corner and
toss your knitted cat into the air. Oh sorry, that's when I am in Minneapolis.
But in the end, it is just nice to leave and return to the gathering warmth of so
many other Peachtree City residents. Yep, thank goodness for Delta.