REPLACE JERRY WITH JERRY

The world seems to be reeling from the news that Jerry Seinfeld is calling it quits with his show. Besides Kramer, George and Elaine's relegation to an orphanage, there will be no more Christmas in Whoville, no more joy in Mudville and no more 76 trombones in river city. The king of sitcomedy is dead. Long laugh the king.

But, I have the answer. We don't need a replacement for Jerry. We need someone to make us forget Jerry Seinfeld. And I know who it is: Jerry Springer. It is so obvious. They are twins separated at birth. Evil obviously runs in the family as their mother gave two sons the same name. How twisted is that? Both have that coarse, wavy hair. Both are impeccably neat. Both are always surrounded by losers and weirdos. Both are in the business of inducing those around them into the most awful predicaments and then just sitting back and watching the fireworks. In the end, both just stand passively by, acting shocked at any turn of events they have caused.

Jerry and Jerry are twins. Both their last names start with an "S." Both of their last names contain 8 letters. Springer once drove a Ford to the Lincoln Theater. Seinfeld once drove a Lincoln to the Ford Theater. Both had totally successful careers before their current jobs; Seinfeld in stand-up, Springer in politics. If it is not obvious yet, that this is all some twilight zone, predestined plan, think about this: Seinfeld's show followed and then bettered the show of one of the world's richest black men, Bill Cosby. Springer's show, followed and and now has bettered the show of one of the world's richest black women, Oprah Winfrey. And if you really want goose bumps, these are the only two straight men alive who really do buy Playboys for the articles.

As fateful as the young Arthur pulling the sword out of the stone, Jerry should replace Jerry. "Must See TV" on Thursday nights could still stand, but in Springer's case, the "TV" would stand for transvestite. Or, bundled with the highly rated Courtney Cox, Jennifer Anniston.. yada yada yada whoever sitcom, the night could be called "Friends" and "Enemies."

Also, you could basically interchange the plot lines on Seinfeld and Springer. They both have covered the worst subjects ever presented on TV. Auto eroticism, voyeurism, male anatomy dimensions, birth control, Nazis, gays, (not that there is anything wrong with that) faux climax, public urination, Anti-semetism, you name it, Jerry and Jerry both have covered it.

To bring the point home, look how easy it would be to fill the characters' shoes from "Seinfeld" with the real life trailer park dwellers from Springer. Kramer falls down alot and has big hair. On Springer, someone always goes down, whether from a punch, a shove or a tackle and they all have big hair. George is chubby, bald, sweaty and perpetually a loser. On Springer, this is pretty much 90% of the guests, studio audience and home viewership. Elaine is desperate, can't hang on to a man and always chooses the wrong guy. On Springer, that is the easiest. His whole show is built on this principle. Day in and day out, his program simply chronicles women who let men take advantage of them, and come back crying and begging for more. If anything, those men and women are fuller, funner and more wicked than anything Seinfeld has ever thrown our way. Seinfeld was the tip, now let's bring on Springer, the iceberg.

Billy Murphy -- 1/9/98