IT'S GOREY WORK
I woke up this morning and I was Al Gore. I got up, looked in the mirror and I was
wearing a blue pinstriped suit and for some reason, I had lost my slooped shoulders
and kinetic posture. I wish it was a dream, but I have lived this day as Vice President
of the United States of America and I shudder.
Do people realize what it is like to be the biggest 2nd banana in the world? Ed McMahon
lived a pipe dream. Paul Schaeffer is fodder for my breakfast. They are amatuers.
I am THE Burger King to HIS McDonald's. I am
Avis. It goes beyond just being the one who has to go to funerals and meet the Ambassador
from Chad or the Secretary of State from Iceland. I am not proud that I have pinned
a medal on American citizen Bernie T. Clodfelter, inventor of the Space Shuttle's "cyber-toliet." I am Air Force Two.
People don't realize I was destined for this life. I was Salutatorian at my high school
graduation, given the dubious honor of introducing the Valedictorian. No index cards
and speech for me. I was 2nd string quarterback. I was voted, "Most Likely to Ride on the Coattails of the Guy Mostly Likely to Succeed." My name "Gore" when translated
from its Prussian syntax means, "He who watches over the King's sword." How prophetic.
Who do you think calls the losers of the Super Bowl and the World Series? No cheering
and champagne for me, just beer-swilling dullards playing "keep away" with Marv Albert's
hair. I know every Atlanta Brave on a first name basis.
Luckily, I can thank my position for a little relief in the pressure department, except
when I'm used as the ever-popular scapegoat. President Clinton, or Kimosobe as he
makes me call him, doesn't mind letting me take the fall for some of his "mistakes;"
like the night he gave me a bunch of phone numbers and told me to call for "Chinese
takeout" from the White House. Not a single one of those places delivered Egg Foo
Yung. Kimosobe just smiled and said, "That's ok Al, you'll be getting 'Sweet & Sour'
soon enough." I found out later that was his pet name for Janet Reno.
Being vice-president, you can't even have a top-notch quality that they make fun
about. Presidents get ribbed for being crooks or liars or adulterers. They just make
fun of my stiff spine. The press wouldn't even print the pictures I secretly released
of me looking up the skirt of my 4th grade substitute teacher. Again, they said, "C'mon
Al, she wasn't even a real teacher." He gets Disneyworld. I get Dollywood.
I'll be glad when I go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow, Billy Murphy again.
I won't have to take anymore crank calls from Dan Quayle. I won't have to be the
one who calls Nancy Reagan to, "Come and get him, he's looking for his Jelly Beans
again." I will once again be able to stand tall and walk proud, sloop shoulders and all.
Billy - 11/07/97