IT'S GOREY WORK

I woke up this morning and I was Al Gore. I got up, looked in the mirror and I was wearing a blue pinstriped suit and for some reason, I had lost my slooped shoulders and kinetic posture. I wish it was a dream, but I have lived this day as Vice President of the United States of America and I shudder.

Do people realize what it is like to be the biggest 2nd banana in the world? Ed McMahon lived a pipe dream. Paul Schaeffer is fodder for my breakfast. They are amatuers. I am THE Burger King to HIS McDonald's. I am Avis. It goes beyond just being the one who has to go to funerals and meet the Ambassador from Chad or the Secretary of State from Iceland. I am not proud that I have pinned a medal on American citizen Bernie T. Clodfelter, inventor of the Space Shuttle's "cyber-toliet." I am Air Force Two.

People don't realize I was destined for this life. I was Salutatorian at my high school graduation, given the dubious honor of introducing the Valedictorian. No index cards and speech for me. I was 2nd string quarterback. I was voted, "Most Likely to Ride on the Coattails of the Guy Mostly Likely to Succeed." My name "Gore" when translated from its Prussian syntax means, "He who watches over the King's sword." How prophetic.

Who do you think calls the losers of the Super Bowl and the World Series? No cheering and champagne for me, just beer-swilling dullards playing "keep away" with Marv Albert's hair. I know every Atlanta Brave on a first name basis.

Luckily, I can thank my position for a little relief in the pressure department, except when I'm used as the ever-popular scapegoat. President Clinton, or Kimosobe as he makes me call him, doesn't mind letting me take the fall for some of his "mistakes;" like the night he gave me a bunch of phone numbers and told me to call for "Chinese takeout" from the White House. Not a single one of those places delivered Egg Foo Yung. Kimosobe just smiled and said, "That's ok Al, you'll be getting 'Sweet & Sour' soon enough." I found out later that was his pet name for Janet Reno.

Being vice-president, you can't even have a top-notch quality that they make fun about. Presidents get ribbed for being crooks or liars or adulterers. They just make fun of my stiff spine. The press wouldn't even print the pictures I secretly released of me looking up the skirt of my 4th grade substitute teacher. Again, they said, "C'mon Al, she wasn't even a real teacher." He gets Disneyworld. I get Dollywood.

I'll be glad when I go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow, Billy Murphy again. I won't have to take anymore crank calls from Dan Quayle. I won't have to be the one who calls Nancy Reagan to, "Come and get him, he's looking for his Jelly Beans again." I will once again be able to stand tall and walk proud, sloop shoulders and all.

Billy - 11/07/97