ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY ONE BACK TOOTH

Celebrating my 40th Christmas this year, I got a root canal. Like any good gift, it was expensive and something you would hold close to your heart, if not your gum line. After weeks of pain that could cripple General Schwartzkoph himself, my wife suggested I go to her dentist, Dr. Stephen Matlaga. He specializes in treating those in fear of pain and he was by far, head, shoulders and screaming drill above any dentist I have visited.

I have never had much success with oral maintenance. My first experience was with a broken tooth that sent my first time dentist into hysterics. With sweat dripping off his brow into my face, he kept signaling at the nurse for more gauze. Not to be totally negative, he could make the word "hemorrhage" sound like it was Shakespeare.

My second visit to the dentist wasn't even needed. I had seen a cute hygienist and wanted to meet her so, I set up an appointment to get my teeth cleaned. To make the experience last, I ate a whole bag of Butterfingers and Squirrel Nut Zippers in the car on the way over. She had to cancel her appointments for the rest of the day. Our date was cut short though when I lapsed into a diabetic sugar coma.

Not learning my lesson, my wife (while we were still friends, before I was married to her) set me up with a dental hygienist friend of hers. I don't know what my affection with this profession is, maybe the white sneakers and rubber gloves. I thought this girl and I would be a good match because we both had played basketball yet, it had to be the shortest date in recorded history. We met, we drove to the corner of her street, she turned to me and said, "I think I can walk back." Most of my blind dates at least lasted through me driving them home. I later found out that the girl was hardly interested in me, she was just working off a car loan she owed to our mutual matchmaker.

By comparison, this latest experience at Dr. Matlaga's was great. At any dentist office you are gonna eat tooth fragments, right? At any dentist office you are gonna get saliva suctioned, right? At any dentist office you are gonna get terrible pain, right? Well,whether it was the soft music or the assuring manner, I didn't seem to recall any of these so vividly, especially the pain. I have never "NOT" felt a needle so good. Besides, assistant Renee' would never use the word "pain," she would only say, "testy."

It has been so long since I have had any real dental work done, I didn't know how expensive it was to get a root canal and crown. But considering the process includes surgery and lots of pain killers, it seems a good deal. By comparison, I recently paid nearly twice as much for a car transmission. And Dr. Matlaga wasn't covered with grease or wearing a "Red Man Chew" ball cap.

Overall, it was not a bad experience and as a bonus, assistance Renee' introduced me to this novel invention. It was this thin string covered with wax to clean food out between your teeth. Cool! Merry Christmas.

Billy Murphy -- 12/17/97