For the 5th year in a row I make my predictions for the coming year.
January 15: Tom Greene and Drew Barrymore officially try to end their marriage only to discover their divorce papers were stolen by Winona Ryder during their New Years Eve Party.
February 3: Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski make gossip headlines again by accidentally showing up at the same grand opening for a new All You Can Eat Sizzlin Steakhouse.
February 23: Trying to regain media attention, Gary Condit insinuates that he is responsible for the disappearance of Osama Bin Laden.
March 10: Aging Senator Strom Thurmond raises eyebrows concerning his fitness to serve by accidentally appearing in session with his Depends on, outside of his pants.
March 29: Hit by a truck, crossing 35th Avenue in Manhattan, Miss Cleo tells ambulance drivers, she never saw it coming.
April 1: Jim Careys latest try at drama, The Majestic is released on DVD and not a single person is fooled into buying a copy.
April 17: Still trying to regain media attention, Gary Condit claims he is responsible for Jimmy Hoffas disappearance.
May 5: In anticipation of Mothers Day, twice-maternal Madonna offers to appear nude... anywhere... anytime...
May 27: Married barely six months, J.K. Rowlings husband files for a separation due to what he calls, Her constant quidditching during Dimpledore resulting in him losing the ability to muggle.
June 15: Much-traveled John Rocker quits baseball to follow his life-long ambition of becoming a social worker.
July 1: MTV News closes down for 24 hours because for one day, not a single Rap singer is arrested.
July 20: Dick Cheney causes a stir by rescheduling his weekly heart attack to attend the Wednesday afternoon funeral of a foreign dignitary.
August 16: The Rolling Stones give a rousing performance at their induction into the Rockn Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland without anyone noticing; they were already inducted 8 years ago.
October 2: Cloning experts deny responsibility for the startling similarities between Harry Potter and The Weakest Links Ann Robinson.
November 17: Wedding Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake joins Michael Jackson and Tom Cruise in the Im not gay.. see, I got married. Club.
December 5: In an attempt to boost seasonal sales, marketers add another holiday to the growing list of Kwanzaa, Hanukkah and Christmas, called Obesia sponsored by the National Dairy Association, American Council for Pork and the Chocolateers Foundation.