It's time for my annual Christmas Carol edition of my column. Of course, the carols have to be updated to reach the contemporary mind.

"WE THREE KINGS OF CELLULAR ARE"

We three kings of cellular are, dialing our phones while we're in the car
Mall and Wal-Mart, bank and Kay-ay-Mart chatting to friends afar

O-o call of wonder call of night, call while sitting at the red light
Chatting of rumors, getting tumors, all while being impolite

Call did one from the de-en-tist chair, called another in his underwear
Egos ever, stopping never, some even call while on welfare

Repeat Chorus.

"LITTLE DANGLE BOY - Ballad of Michael Jackson's Son"
(To the tune of "Little Drummer Boy")

'Don't'' they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
'Don't Look Down,' they said, pa rum pum pum pum
'Your father's a freak.' they said, pa rum pum pum pum
'Mil-ky and meek,' they said, pa rum pum pum pum
rum pum RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN . . . Michael Jackson's son.

"MASTERCARD" (To the tune of "Silver Bells")

City sidewalks, where the shoppers walk, all in holiday style
In the air there's a Credit Card fever.
If you work hard, get a gold card or platinum one too
Then splurge with a credit limit increase

Mastercard, (Try a Visa too) Mastercard (Discover you)
It's Charge-It time in the winter
Mastercard, (Don't pay late) Mastercard (Check the expiration date)
Soon it will be time to pay.

"DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?, or Ozzy Family Christmas"

Said the goth chick to her druggie dad, do you see what I see
My *&?#* brother, never takes a bath, do you smell what I smell
The word, the word, that word they love to say
It even makes sailors want to blush. Can't the Osbourne family just hush.

"AARON THE HUNKY BACHELOR"
(To the tune of "Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Aaron the hunky bachelor, had 100 girls to choose
He liked them the in the hot tube, where he could make his moves
All of the girls did want him and they were so in true love
Aaron the hunky bachelor, said girls don't push and shove

Then one shiny Wednesday night Aaron came to say
Helene will you be my wife and please will you share my life
Then how Helene did love him, the wedding plans she did make
Helene, Aaron and their agents, all atop the wedding cake.