I have been so preoccupied in the last months with the, “Sean 'Puffy' Combs” trial, that I hardly noticed it was time for me to troll the world for really important events.
“Hannibal” came out this week and I quickly got myself out to the theater to see this sequel to “Silence of the Lambs.” I had read the book “Hannibal” and hated it, so I couldn’t wait to get to the movies where I could at least eat popcorn and candy while hating it. They usually let the movie drift away from the book to a degree and my dreams that Dr. Lecter would maybe, just maybe, cross paths with Celine Dion didn't come true. I guess even human flesh-eaters have some standards.
KFC, the eatery formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken made the news when a married couple reportedly found the Colonel’s secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices in a house formerly owned by the Sanders' clan. Can you trust that this is real, or is it just a publicity stunt? My guess, it’s just a scam to get the chicken house into the news. Next up, expect to see McDonald’s report that the Hamburglar has made an immunity deal in exchange for revealing their secret sauce recipe. Chik-fil-A will dropped their cow billboards from the “Eat More Chicken” campaign in favor of a cross-promotion with the movies. Their theme will be the same, but will feature billboards showing a series of Hannibal Lecters’ victims telling us to “Eat More Chicken”.
The Grammy Music Awards are coming up and one category has pitted Paul Simon against Eminem. Are things strange or not? What category is this? Best Rap or Extremely Old Guy Video? Eminem desires to chew up every institution in the music world. Paul Simon only longs to chew solid food. Eminem has climbed to the top, overcoming a rotten childhood, poverty and violence. Paul Simon has spent his career trying to overcome his own inner demons; Art Garfunkel. They do share one commonality though; a really bad, page-boy haircut.
The XFL has kicked off and features some of the most heart pounding, adrenalin inspiring visuals ever experienced. And that’s just the cheerleaders (You have to give it to these girls, it is really tough doing all those moves when they have grown so accustom to the aid of a pole). Do we need any more “extreme” sports? Do we really want to watch a football game where there is no kicking of extra points and you can make a 2 point conversion for ripping a limb from someone’s body? Should the football be ticking? With team names like Philadelphia Mad Cows and the Denver Intestinal Parasites you know this is all schlock. Jesse Ventura is one of the play by play announcers. I guess they got him for the intellectual side of things. I will hold out watching this sport. I’m gonna wait on extreme golf where they fill the greens with a couple of hundred African lions.
Presidential pardons made the news recently with Bill Clinton commuting the sentences of just about everyone but Timothy McVee. I can hear Clinton in his Arkansinian dialect right now, saying, “Dang, so you are sure Jeffrey Dahmer is dead? Can we dig him up?” Things will be different when it comes time for Bush to pardon people at the end of his term. They all will have already been executed. Til next spam.