I write this column in some psychological sense, in that I have reached closure on being officially, “on a diet.” Up until this past summer I had never heard of the Atkin’s Diet, or Zone Diet, or what some call the “Eat More and Worse than You Ever Have in Your Life and Lose Weight” Diet. It worked for me. I have lost about 35 pounds and reached my goal. If I were to write a book on my success, I would call it the “Ruby Tuesday’s Diet.”

In some strange sense, my diet revolved around the Ruby Tuesday’s restaurant about a quarter mile from my office in Peachtree City; the greatest restaurant ever named after a Rolling Stones song. I eat out alot so I was seeking a place that had a variety of food that I could eat. Ruby Tuesday’s was perfect.

It is rather confusing though, trying to order that first meal. The service is great at Ruby’s, but that doesn’t even help some times. Here was my first interchange after I ask Michelle the waitress what non-starches they have as side items:

“What would you like,” she asks. “World peace and a Porsche Boxter,” I reply. She gives a little smile that says she has heard too many jokey lines like this in her life, from dullards like me. Then I explain, “I am on this ‘thing,’ that if you deny yourself carbohydrates, your body reaches Ketosis.” “Ketosis, huh?” she says, “Is that like Nirvana or one of those cult things where you have an out of body experience or something? “No, no,” I try to explain. It is too late.

“Get over here, Peggy” she quips to her manager. Peggy is one of those “in charge” types who can take over a table where they have had drinks spilled, the food burned and someone put in the “Heimlech” and still get them to order dessert and tip 20%. Michelle continues, “This guy is on some Zen, moon trip. I think he is trying to order mushrooms to smoke. He said he wants to zone out or something.”

Peggy utters the first words, ever heard from an assistant manager’s mouth, “Is there a problem here?” “No, no,” I try to explain, nervously. “Ok, I admit it!! I am on a diet!!” I confess everything like a Catholic school girl. “Oh, is that all?” Peggy says, “Michelle, darling get this boy the “Creole Catch” with all veggies, and a side salad plate.” She goes on to tell me all the great protein items them have on the best and only salad bar in town. My euphoria is only matched by my Ketosis, matched only by my body mass regression.

We all know that the first thing a person does after losing a lot of weight is to start giving others advice on how to diet. So, I guess that is what I am doing now. I just know that I have tried a million things, including a year working out at the gym for 3 nights a week, and I never lost a pound. There just must be some connection between carbohydrate deprivation and my body’s fat holding ability. My weight fell faster than Mariah Carey’s movie career.

It’s not that I was ever that fat even, but like most people, I just always wanted to lose a few. But, at my age there is little motivation to lose weight. Watching TV, avoiding doctors and eating are pretty much the middle-aged man’s hobbies. I gave up years ago, imagining there was some 20 year old college cheerleader who thought I might look hotter if I would just lose a few pounds.

Sure, many people would say, being in great shape and looking good, is a motivation in itself. Yeah, right and I am going to start recycling too. One things does lead to another though. I have already started back running and playing basketball. I am not quite as strict to my plan as I needed to be to lose the weight, but I can tell my body does good without all the bread and potatoes. Now, If I can only attain world peace and get me a Boxster.