Time for my yearly predictions, or as George W. might say, “Time for mine year predictations.”
January 11 - Terminated President Bill Clinton, fearing very little now, calls a press conference with CNN to admit that, yes he did sleep with all those women, yes he has had people killed to make his way to the top and yes, Hillary, under all that make-up and reconstructive surgery, really is the love child of Bea Arthur and Henry Kissinger.
January 25 - After Dick Cheney’s latest heart attack, newly appointed vice-president Dan Quayle casts the deciding vote in Congress, beginning a new national observance: “Gilligan’s Island” day.
February 11 - MTV announces yet another awards program, titled: “The MTV Boy-Band Awards,” featuring such categories as, “Best Performance while Going Through Puberty,” “Best Dance Moves by an Ambiguously Gay Male,” and “Avant Garde Award for A Song Not Using the Words, Love, Breaking Up, or Heart.”
March 1 - The first real excitement of the new season of “Survivor” is recorded live, when both tribes join in solidarity to beat the stew out of host Jeff Probst. Probst’s torch is extinguished in a way not allowed for TV broadcasting.
March 26 - One day after the “Academy Awards” ceremony, the celebrating is still on hold as 3 separate, major categories are being protested by Al Gore lawyers.
April 19 - With baseball season still on hold because of the strike, Fox Broadcasting starts a competing, reality-based league where the games are actually about hitting, pitching and pleasing the fans. Dennis Miller is finally, surreptitiously, speechless.
May 5 - After Dan Quayle falls sick from drinking an out-of-date, rancid YooHoo, newly appointed vice-president Strom Thurmond accidentally casts the wrong, deciding vote in Congress, killing President Bush’s fight to apply the death penalty to misdemeanors.
June 21 - The new summer replacement TV season is announced with Ellen Degeneres and John Rocker starring in a sitcom about a single, lesbian mom and her live-in manservant. It’s called, “Yeah, If You Believe This, I Have Some Ocean Front Property for Sale in Utah.”
July 5 - The Genome Project announces they have secretly, repeatedly cloned a human from an incomplete strand of DNA. The problem is, the cloned human, repeatedly turns out to be Kathy Lee Gifford.
August 1 - In a freak cosmetic surgery accident Cher’s original face escapes and runs through the streets of Los Angeles horrifying men, women and children alike. In a related story, Joan Rivers’ daughter Melissa is now officially older than her mother.
September 20 - The National Football League is temporarily thrown into disarray when the constellations align, and for exactly one week, not a single player is arrested.
October 9 - Senator Hillary Clinton resurfaces after her failed “Condoms for Incontinents” program for a press conference. She covers no serious issues as she continually yells, “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”
November 29 - Newly appointed vice-president Al Gore (replacing Strom Thurmond who left the post to start a Rap Singing career) performs his first task by giving the eulogy over Ricky Martin’s career.
December 4 - A just-released from prison Robert Downey Jr is quickly arrested when he forgets where he is and lights up a crack pipe in the back of the patrol car that was taking him home.