In the spirit of the the infamous Christmas card insert, here is the past year’s “goings-on” of the Murphy clan; Billy, Julie, Olivia (6) and Davis (3 1/2).
January started the year off with our ritualistic burning of the past year’s Christmas tree. Problems ensued when we inadvertently forgot that this was the first year we used an artificial tree. After 2 gallons of gas, 5 duraflame logs and a bourbon fruitcake, we finally got the aluminum tree to ignite. I was quickly arrested by Peachtree City Police for failing to acquire the proper burn permit.
We got our coldest weather of the year in February and we had to actually dress the kids in long sleeves. Olivia started riding the bus and quickly asked for a cell phone and a pager. She quickly earned the nickname “Shakespeare” for entertaining her bus-mates with a modernist rendition called “Macbeth Poisons the Muppets.”
March came in like a lion with the air warming to a balmy 88 degrees. Our family spent an afternoon at the park burying old Halloween novelties in the sand. Davis especially got a kick out of watching the surprise of other kids as they would dig up fake eyeballs and rubber, severed fingers.
April Fool’s day was fun as we called AT&T Long Distance, over and over, posing as all our friends, asking for a call back about switching services. So, if you ever get a call to switch carriers, I gave them your name.
School was a joy in May as Olivia was finishing her Kindergarten year. Kindergarten is German for “mammal that smells like crayon.” Olivia had a great year exploring letters, numbers and how to swindle a kid out of his peanut butter sandwich with two saltines and a grape.
June began a fun summer for us, until the electric bill came. The new rate hikes gave us our own Murphy roaming blackouts. To conserve, we trimmed our daily Television habits. We limited ourselves to only 2 TV’s on at once and set timers so they turned off after 18 hours.
July, we got a great deal on a new TV.
August was hotter than Georgia tar paper in the back of a black El Camino. Our air conditioner was working harder than Winona Ryder at the Mall. Our electric bill was so high we had to sell off Julie’s Neil Diamond record collection. If it had gotten worse, the Barry Manilow set was next.
September. This month needs no comment.
In October Davis really started getting into Preschool. He seems to have perfected the “Time-Out.” He is young, but I think he might have set the goal of starting his very own, “Power Rangers Time Force Rescue Ranger Preschool for Boys and Maybe Some Cool Girls Who Can Kick.”
November was my birthday month and also the release of “Harry Potter.” No coincidence either. We both wear glasses. He has a scar on his forehead. I have a scar on my neck. He has millions of adoring and devoted fans lining up to see him and I have a scar on my neck.
Davis and Olivia submitted their Christmas lists this month. Davis faxed his in with a confirmation printout. Olivia emailed hers from multiple POP3 accounts with SSL authentication. I am not implying our family is becoming TOO technological but because of the microwaves from Davis’ palm pilot combined with the radiation from Olivia’s Skytel Pager, we now have a gold fish with 3 eyes.
Merry Christmas.