Here are the news items you care about, and my corresponding mini “Top Ten Lists” (Uh, that would be 5, Bill).

Top 5 Indications Elian Gonzalez is already TOO Americanized.

5. He has been quoted as saying he hates John Rocker.
4. Keeps demanding to meet “Screech” from “Saved By the Bell.”
3. Franchised his name to McDonald’s for their new “Little E.G.” Happy Meal Toy.
2. In his video you can catch a glimpse of cartoon drawing on bed that says, “Janet Reno Bites.”
1. His first words on the video are translated “Wasssssup!!”

Top 5 Uses for the New Testosterone Topical Gel.

5. Women can sneak it into their too-pretty friend’s facial cream and watch her grow a mustache.
4. Rub it on your dog, video him actually chase down and kill your mailman.
3. You can finally destroy any urge you ever had to watch ice skating or ask for directions.
2. Three Words: Macho Nacho Sauce.
1. Sneak it to your wife and she’ll suddenly want to go see Jean Claude Van Damme movies with you.

Top 5 Debate Topics for Al Gore and George W. Bush.

5. “The Internet vs. the Pony Keg, Greatest Innovations of the 20th Century.”
4. “Why John McCain Scares the Heck out of Me!”
3. “Best Boy Band: N’Sync or Backstreet Boys?”
2. “The Economic Significance of the Supreme Court’s Decision on Nude Dancing.” (Or, “Where Will Conventioneers Spend their Money Now?”).
1. “Education and the Future of Britney Spears.”

Top 5 Reasons Now is the Time to Invest in the Stock Market.

5. No good cars worth spending money on since the Yugo went under.
4. Gun stocks are low since they have been banned in schools.
3. It’s faster than burning your money.
2. Ted Turner needs the cash flow to get Bo Derek’s skin tightened.
1. Can buy a telecommunications company for the same price as a ticket to a Braves’ double-header.

Top 5 Phrases Used by Local News Anchors.

5. “The gunman was said to be a quiet man.”
4. “Who broke my hair?” (Off camera).
3. “I stand in front of the building where just yesterday...” (Fill in any crime).
2. “The woman said her first-cousin Bubba was asking her for a divorce.” (Alabama & Tennessee only).
1. “You might have thought you were safe, but now doctors are saying...”