It seems that the equality movement of women has reached a pinnacle, a plateau. Whether it is "the glass ceiling," or just "the glass menagerie," the current women's movement has stalled. Personally I like the feminist rise to a point. That is why I am going to offer some advice how to kick-start the revolution.

We need to have a beauty pageant for men.

Think about it. To further the equality between men and women, guys should be expected to live through some of the same experiences. Mind you, I am not calling for men to give birth or, get sprayed with tester perfume in Rich's but, we could learn to walk a mile in someone else's pumps. The "National Organization of Women" should get together and stage one humdinger of a show. David Crosby and Melissa Etheridge could host. In between their arguments on the best use of mustache wax, the pair would commentate on the proceedings. Fifty-one men from 51 states would start the show in a song and dance number. The song "Livin La Vida Loca" would be a fitting beginning.

After the group was trimmed to 15 finalists, the intensity begins. In the talent competition Chris Thomas from Boulder, Colorado gives a reading from the 1994 "Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition," on Elle Macpherson's soliloquy on sunsets. Biff Jones tap dances to "All My Exes Live in Texas." The show reaches it’s high point when Reggie Stottlemyer from Bangor, Maine performs "Mr. Mistoffelees ," from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Cats;” all the while, twirling two flame-lit batons.

Midway through the show, Kevin Johnson, a Haiku-spouting truck driver from Kalamazoo, Michigan accepts the "Mr. Congeniality" award. He makes a tearful 3-line, 17-syllable speech dedicating the award to his elderly father, the man who invented the rust proof nail.

Then it’s time for a break with Kathy Lee Gifford and Billy Crystal singing lame renditions of N'Sync and Britney Spears tunes. The audience rushes the stage when Regis Philbin ruins Kathy’s party by showing up and throwing case out into the audience.

The five finalists are chosen and the contestants get their shot at the question, "What would you do to create world peace?" After 3 of the 5 remaining men are disqualified for answering "Bomb all the Camel Jockeys to Hades," there are just two; Tito Sanchez, born of Hispanic and Samoan parents from Hawaii and Joe Whitaker a social worker from Tennessee. The intense moment finally happens and Tito bursts into tears when they announce him as the first runner-up and Joe wins.

The whole event is marred just 3 days later when it is revealed that Joe had taken some dubious photos 2 years earlier with Dr. Laura as the photographer. To make matters worse, an old girlfriend confirms speculation that for the "Speedo" portion of the contest, Joe did indeed shave his back.

Think about it, men having a beauty contest could very easily start the women's revolution all over again. Or, would it just bring about the de-evolution of men?

Billy Murphy -- 1/20/00
http://billymurphy.homepage.com ~ 2000 Articles