It’s that time of year again when parents rejoice and kids get new underwear. It’s back to school!! I thought I would get out my article on the subject before we are subjected to a piece by Rheta Grimsley Johnson on her visit to, and subsequent coveting, of an old “one room school house.” I don’t pine for the old days of school at all. Just last week a buddy and I were talking about how we each had received the embarrassment of paddlings during our senior year of high school; he for punching a guy, me for removing an apple from the cafeteria (I have always lived on the edge).

In my endless endeavor to help others with an array of subjects, I submit some rules for surviving going “back to school.”

For Parents.
Rule 1. Don’t tell your children stories about when you were in school; e.g., how you had to walk uphill both ways, had tripe for lunch and your teachers were often convicted felons.
Rule 2. When packing lunch, don’t send anything that can’t be traded-up for a pack of Twinkies.
Rule 3. Don’t make your child wear anything to school that would a bully could use to tie them up with.
Rule 4. Don’t make your child wear anything to school that you would wear yourself.
Rule 5. When making the acquaintance with the principals and teachers for the first time, resist the urge to give them a card with your lawyer’s name on it.

For Teachers and/or Principals.
Rule 1. Don’t walk around complaining how tough it is working a full nine months a year.
Rule 2. Don’t address parents you meet as “Yoohoo-swilling, beef-jerky-eatin’ G-E-Ders.”
Rule 3. Remember to renew your subscription to “This Week in Self-Defense.”
Rule 4. Write Valdosta trailer park #103 thank-you notes for single-handedly building the school you work at with their lottery ticket purchases.
Rule 5. Wait until all student BMW’s and Lexus’ have left the parking lot before you leave in your 88 Olds Cutlass.

For Elementary Students.
Rule 1. Don’t throw up more than three times in one week.
Rule 2. Don’t keep answering the teacher calling your name at roll, “President.”
Rule 3. Remember spit balls are an art, not a science.
Rule 4. Don’t raise your hand till the teacher is finished asking the question.
Rule 5. Don’t forget hall etiquette: Nerds on the left, Dweebs on the right.

For Middle School Students.
No rules for you until you decide to reenter the human race.

For High School Students.
Rule 1. Don’t page yourself with your cell phone to look popular. It is egotistical and it has been done before.
Rule 2. Don’t yell to your teachers (even though it is true), “My daddy could buy you and sell you 10 times over.”
Rule 3. Don’t walk into the cafeteria and say to the lunch workers, “My regular table please.”
Rule 4. Don’t chase your Prozac with beer and cigarettes.
Rule 5. Don’t get caught studying, your friends wouldn’t understand and your teachers would be suspicious.

Good Luck everyone.